This week I started life with a new fresh perspective. I had to be real with myself after longing for Calm Down to be someone I know he can be but isn’t ready to be. I held my breath as I prayed for this week and promised to do something new.

I know we are not together but the communication thing really has me puzzled. I say to much, or am I doing too much? It makes me question me at times, like am I a hard woman to love? Have I out lived my chapter with him in my life? I breathed and woke up like it’s a new horizon, let the light on in. An boom he messaged me, I wanted to run to him but I knew better.

Communication works both ways. We recently had an issue and he ignored me for 2 months. I didn’t message him for the 2 months I gave him space but one day he popped up like it was all good. I was so puzzled on how to reply and didn’t address any of the past issues. I wanted to move forward but my body didn’t want to and my nervous system started to take over and process this relationship as a threat.

Sadly the week before we spoke I felt like we were making traction and actually able to connected a fresh again. I felt like I was letting the light on in, but I guess wrong. I opened up and told him that I loved him and yea that was it. I know he has an avoidant attachment but damn, same old same old. No progress, it’s always one sided, it’s always me doing the most. I told him a few days prior that I can’t care anymore. He was puzzled and I was with my choice of words but I get it now.

I can’t care about him and worry about this love anymore. I need to pull away and focus on becoming and channeling my highest self. My nervous system needs time to heal. I know he means well but I am not sure how he feels about me and us half the time. Love, I am tired of it hurting. I am tired of love ending up piercing a hole in my soul.

So when I pull away, he pushed back. I don’t want to play this game anymore. My love, feelings, and heart need to be nourished right now. Even if its alone, I can nourish me, I can feel me, I can love me. I just need a sure thing and I know that I can provide this for me. I know Calm Down needs to figure things out on his own and I love and respect him for that. I just can’t keep having my heart played.

Love. The price we pay. For the unknown.